


The One Where Joey Walks the Dog Through Mordor

by norabombay



Category: Friends, Mac & C.H.E.E.S.E.
Genre: Crack, F/F, Gen, Joey is an internet meme, Joey likes lesbians, Joey likes weddings, Joey ususally tweets about food, Of course the lesbians have a female dog, a lesbian soap opera more embarassing than lip service
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 17:04:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1096389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/norabombay/pseuds/norabombay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reddit picked it up. So did 4Chan. At the age of 40, Joey Tribbiani had become a meme as he walked the dog through Mordor.</p><p>Somehow in the spring of 2014 this resulted in Joey Tribbiani officiating at a number of lesbian weddings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The One Where Joey Walks the Dog Through Mordor

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RedOrchid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedOrchid/gifts).



Reddit picked it up. So did 4Chan. At the age of 40, Joey Tribbiani had become a meme as he walked the dog through Mordor.

  
 **@howudoinsandwich** I’m on the E! True Hollywood Story tonight. It’s about my becoming an internet meme.

 **@howudoinsandwich** Eating Out Season Three! tomorrow night at 10/9 central on Spike.

 **@howudoinsandwich** Episode 03x01 “The One With the Purple Sparkles” Roomate Danny will be taking Flower for a nice long walkies. Twice.

==

**E! True Hollywood Story: Joey Tribbiani**

**Narrator:** Joey Tribbiani is an actor whose career has been entirely dependent on women. From his early role as Dr. Drake Ramoray on Days of Our Lives to his part as Porsche Driver Seven in the movie Grand Prix Actually, Joey has appealed to a female audience. With his part as Roommate Danny, he has expanded his base to legions of lesbians (and no few straight men) across America.

 **Shari Horner-Walls, “Frankie Alan, Eating Out”:**   So Joey and I were on Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. together back in 2000, right? And except for the fact he slept with my then-girlfriend, well, he was great. Even taught me a trick…

_At this Horner-Walls makes what is considered a universally obscene gesture with several fingers and her tongue. E! does a very bad job of putting a black bar over it.  
_

So it’s years later, and I get the part of Frankie, the main character on the US remake of Lip Service.  They wanted to keep the lesbian soap opera, but move it from Scotland so audiences could understand the _“dialogue”._

_E! Inserts a montage of badly blurred lesbian sex accompanied by the narration of Begbie from Trainspotting._

I’m late on the project, and most of the parts are filled. But they still hadn’t found a Danny- he’s the one who is always welcoming the women to the flat. And he has to have very small feet. So naturally enough who do I think of? Joey _. She_ _makes gesture indicating either a very small foot or a very large penis._ He’s perfect.

 **Narrator:** In the original version of Eating Out, intended for premium cable, Joey made the most of his part.

  _Clip of Joey saying ‘How you doin?’ to a dozen different woman, one after another. Clip of Joey’s very small shoes being mistaken for those of another woman. Hijinks ensue._

 **Narrator:** Unfortunately Eating Out was sold to Oxygen, not HBO. Some emergency reworking was in order.

 **Producer Marc Cherry (baby-faced former pop singer):** “What were we supposed to do? We had 13 episodes, each one third graphic lesbian sex,” _Cherry makes the same gesture as Horner-Walls, just as badly blacked out ,_ “And a week to do something to get it a PG Rating. All of the women involved had already moved on to other projects. We found the perfect compromise, and Joey was our getaway.”

 **Joey Tribbiani, “Roommate Danny, Eating Out”:** Marc called my agent and said “We need you for reshoots on Eating Out,” and my agent signed me up on the spot. No script, nothing. So I get there Tuesday morning, and all they want me to do is sit in the recliner and play Xbox. Take Flower for a walk around the block.  Eat a sandwich. _Joey mimes eating a sandwich using the same gesture as Horner-Walls._

 **Narrator:** The end result was something that made television ratings history. One third of each episode saw visuals of Roommate Danny going through everyday life to the soundtrack of the explicit lesbian sex that the network cut out.

 **Shari Horner-Walls:** “The internet loved it.”

 **Joey Tribbiani:** “They loved me. They loved Joey.”

==

Reddit picked it up. So did 4Chan. At the age of 40, Joey Tribbiani had become a meme as he walked the dog through Mordor. On the Moon. Once actually through one of the lesbian sex scenes the network had cut. It was everything that you would want: Cute animals, clueless guys, and explicit lesbian pornography.  It was as if Doge and Sad Keanu conceived a baby to a twenty minute chorus of Kristanna Loken going down on Natalie Portman.

Plus, like all the best memes, it was an easy photoshop job.

Somehow in the spring of 2014, this resulted in Joey Tribbiani getting a part in the touring company of Wicked and officiating for a number of lesbian weddings.

 ==

 **@howudoinsandwich** I will be in Las Vegas January 10- March 27 playing Boq in Wicked at Cesar's Palace! Tickets at [www.tikitmaster.com](http://www.tikitmaster.com)

 **@BongChanandaler** Awesome. Did your publicist post that?

 **@howudoinsandwich** yes. :) :) :) :) :)

 **@BongChanandaler** I took Jack and Erica to see that last month. Twins have been singing Popular all week. Jack is Elpheba. I worry.

 **@howudoinsandwich** u shuld come C us! I get u tickets. J man  & channy

 **@BongChanandaler** No one called us J-man and Channy.

 **@BongChanandaler** Kids have school. Monica has work. Can I be any more solo?

 **@howudoinsandwich** Got U tkts 2 February 13 show. Txt me ur trip

 **@BongChanandaler** Will do. Looking forward to seeing you and getting the band back together.

 **@howudoinsandwich** I will be at the Las Vegas Celebrity and TV expo, February 14-15, 2014. Weddings will be performed.

Joey should probably have mentioned the convention to Chandler directly before volunteering him.

==

Even after a decade apart, it is amazing how quickly friends fall into old behavior patterns. Five minutes after arriving at the convention hall, Chandler was already working to keep Joey from being the one handling money. Oh, and making people stand in proper lines. A decade plus of marriage and he could order anyone to do anything if he channeled Monica.

For an afternoon Chandler Bing escaped the mundane reality of his life - awkward pre-teens, commutes and school schedules. This was celebrity. Show business. It was quite literally in his blood.

Chandler had never been so profoundly grateful that he had gone back to accounting. The funny fish in the little pond.

Plus, Joey let him have the clipboard and the headset. He never got the headset back home.

“Next up for a wedding are Anastasia & Maria, come pick your ceremony. Joey will do Mac & C.H.E.E.S.E, Danny the Dog Walking Roommate, or just plain Joey Tribbiani. He takes all major credit cards. Weddings are valid in 32 States and all of Canada.”

"Thank you ladies, go forward and hand this paper to Joey. Good luck with your life together.”

Joey’s booth came complete with a little wedding arbor, a supply of easy break plastic wine glasses, and pile of “Eating Out Season One- TV edit” BluRays. Next door was the booth of the girl from Small Wonder (no stranger to lesbian pornography herself), and on the other side was a voice actor who had played an emergency backup pony on a late season episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

There was no crossover between their fan bases. The pony guy had by far the longest line.

Anastasia & Maria’s ceremony and epic makeout over, Joey came down to check the rest of the schedule.

“Hey Chandler, remember that time when we got the free porn, and we spent a week doing nothing but watching people fucking in every way possible?”

“How could I forget it? I kept hearing “oh baby. Oh baby. oh BABY. Your cock is ENORMOUS” in meetings for months. I couldn’t even look at Lana in accounts payable without seeing her being eaten out by Julio in mergers and acquisitions”

"This show, it’s like that’s my life. Everywhere I go lesbians are having sex. Loud, panting, glorious sex, the breasts. All the breasts. It’s better than Thanksgiving!”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Lesbians broke my penis! The General isn’t working if there is more than one woman in the room. And all these hot chicks are everywhere, but not for me. I’m drowning in pussy for other people.’

"I see how that could be disconcerting’

"Discon…. Whatever. All I want is to meet a woman who wants me for my body”

"And you think that officiating at lesbian weddings is the solution?”

“Lesbians pay really well. They always have a straight bridesmaid or a straight sister. Always. Look at the nails of the one on the right, there in the next wedding. She’s old, sure, but that’s no lesbian. See the red polish?”

“I can’t see the polish. That’s my Dad”

==

Chandler was suddenly reminded of why this was his first trip to Las Vegas in 15 years.  Maybe it was the rampant floating estrogen of half a hundred horny and married lesbians. Maybe it was a cultural sea change in America over the last thirty years; Maybe Chandler had just grown up.  But for the first time he stared at his father standing there in a sparkly black dress and green face paint? And he was at peace with the world.

“Hi Dad. I should have known you would be an Elpheba.”

“Hello son. This is the last place I expected to see you. And I did once own the OzDust Ballroom."

“Well, you know, I had to check out Joey’s new harem for myself. The Elpheba costume looks great on you. Jack’s got the same one.”

“The Bing genetics win out despite all”

“I’m trying to make sure he has an easier time than you did. Or that if it’s just a phase I have embarrassing Facebook photos for the rest of his life. Could parenting be any more complicated?”

“Son, if we were a different family this is where we would hug.”

“I won’t if you won’t.”

“Done.”

==

 **@howudoinsandwich** thank you to all the fans who came out this weekend. I'll be officiating again at the Dinah Shore Weekend, April 2-6, 2014.

 


End file.
